i already hear my dad disowning me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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