Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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