he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize