That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And then he peed in my hair
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
