ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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