I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
