he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
