a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
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