I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i think i just lost a toe
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
