she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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