so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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