The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
