i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
