I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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