Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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