I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
