he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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