I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
