when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
