awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
