but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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