my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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