listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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