Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Life without a bra equals bliss.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
