Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
