It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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