I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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