last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
