He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You need Xanax blowdarts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
