Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
