made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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