she woke up with a sticky ear
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
