the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
