Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
