i'm signing you up for texting rehab
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
