She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
