I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
