this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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