and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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