dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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