Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
