Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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