you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
