You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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