I am puke
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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