look no pants
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
whose parrot is this?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
