Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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