Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
