I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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