I think I died a long time ago.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
