Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
