Someone shit on the floor
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
