Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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