i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
