I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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